Stranger Than Fiction Week X!
I’m actually starting to write this article on Sunday. Yeah, my Sunday is that damn boring that I can start doing Monday work.
CLASSY SONG TITLE
“Beethoven’s Cunt” by Serj Tankian. ‘Nuff said.
SHAMLESS PLUG
I had a talk with the boss the other day and we were discussing advertising for the Tank. Fake was going to the Ottawa/Montreal hockey game last Thursday with Half Baked and I got an idea! Now, for your viewing pleasure, a portion of the conversation from the super secret TMT messaging program:
BlackMage says:
fake, i just had an idea
Fake says:
yeah?
BlackMage says:
there’s a good chance that this habs/sens game will be picked up on tsn, rds, or something, right?
BlackMage says:
shameless plug time! bring a TMT sign to the game
Fake says:
hahahah
BlackMage says:
you laugh, but i’m not kidding!
BlackMage says:
if they even see it on tv for an second
BlackMage says:
they might do a double take
BlackMage says:
“What? website?”
Fake says:
i’m not sure i have the guts to do this
BlackMage says:
don’t have the guts to hold up a sign?
BlackMage says:
alright, get half baked to do it
BlackMage says:
pretend you don’t know him when he holds up the sign
BlackMage says:
what does half baked do for the tank anyway?
I pick on Half Baked in my articles for three reasons.
- He probably doesn’t read this anyway.
- If he does, I want him to write more Overground Sewer and take shots at me.
- See #1.
HANG IT UP ALREADY
Various sources have said that both Journey, Metallica and R.E.M. are preparing new albums. I might have mentioned the new Metallica before, so sue me. I can only sum up my feelings into one word: yuck.
LOOK INTO MY CRYSTAL BALL
This is old news, but I’m going to talk about it anyway. Seems a while ago, a Maxim editor posted a review of the new Black Crowes record saying that it sucked. The problem being, the album hadn’t even been released yet. There was a mild media backlash and Maxim apologised. So wait, all we here at The Music Tank have to do to get major media attention is to say that albums that haven’t come out yet suck?
ALBUMS THAT SUCK
- The new, unreleased Black Crowes album
- The new, unreleased Journey album
- The new, unreleased Sex Pistols album
- The new, unreleased Metallica
- The new, unreleased White Snake
- The new, unreleased R.E.M
- The new, unreleased Guns ‘N’ Roses
- The new, unreleased AC/DC
- The new, unreleased Mötley Crüe
Now all that’s left to do is wait.
COURTNEY WHO?
From Blabbermouth:
The Pulse of Radio reports: Courtney Love says she’s been defrauded out of millions from identity thieves posing as her late husband, Kurt Cobain. According to London’s The Sun newspaper, she said someone used Cobain’s social security number to buy a $3.2 million New Jersey home. Love claims to have known about the fraud — and who the scam artists are — for five years, but was too strung out on drugs to do anything about it. When she finally told the LAPD last week, Love said by then the thieves were able to get as many as 188 credit cards in Cobain’s name, and also bought cars and cashed checks written against Cobain’s estate.
The 43-year-old singer said, “It was fraud after fraud. But nobody believed me until now.” She added, “I know who they are. Taking a child’s money and future is a really horrible thing.” Love said she realized something had to be done because of the potential effect it could have on the trust fund for her daughter, 15-year-old Frances Bean.
Cobain committed suicide in 1994 at age 27. He left Love with their daughter, as well as control of his estate.
Follow up from Music News:
Following reports that Courtney Love went to the LAPD to report a massive identity theft relating to late husband Kurt Cobain, it is now being reported that the entire claim was false.
Sources are questioning Courtney’s mental state of health, saying she may simply be delusional.
Love claimed the identity thieves got 188 credit cards in her name, stole checks and bought cars. She filed the claim with LAPD last week, but rumor is that they are not taking it seriously, going as far as to state that “it never happened.”
Love’s mental state has been in question as of late. She’s been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and her latest blogs are impossible to decipher. The police think the identity fraud is in Courtney’s mind.
Dear Courtney,
Give up. Stay out of the spotlight.
Sincerely,
-The Music Tank
FEEL GOOD HIT OF THE SUMMER
From Music News:
Pete Doherty will be involved in a new television show where he will be giving help to heroin addicts.
Doherty, the 28 year old lead singer for Babyshambles, will be visiting two of northern England’s toughest housing estates and use music to encourage them to get straight. This includes a trip to Manchester’s Langley Estate and a young offenders’ group in Sheffield’s Manor Park.
British station Channel 4 will be on hand to record the sessions and will be putting it on their channel later this year.
As it has been well documented, Doherty is currently struggling through his own drug problems, being arrested on numerous occasions for cocaine and heroin possession.
Hi kids! Can you look up the word “irony” in the dictionary? I knew that you could!
From TeamSugar:
In a recent interview, Fergie says in that back in her meth days, she was once mistaken for a homeless person, and that she was constantly paranoid she was being followed by the FBI.
Fergie says, “I had about 20 different conspiracy theories. I painted the windows in my apartment black so ‘they’ couldn’t see in. One day, when I was about 90 pounds, a guy comes up to me… I’m searching in the bushes for clues about whatever they’re after me for. I’m in a cowboy hat and red lips. He hands me a muffin. I’m thinking, he’s in on it.”
I think she’s still on drugs. I understand you’re in a cowboy hat, but how are you in red lips? You’re fucked up lady. I even Googled and Wikied “red lips” just to make sure it wasn’t a clothing line so I don’t look like more of an idiot than I already do.
SPERMFORTICKETS.COM
From Music News:
Ireland’s Fertility Clinics are seemingly in a crisis with sperm donations down by 40% over the last four years. In a drastic measure a new site has now been launched which offers those who donate sperm a free festival pass to any event in Europe.
The Sperm For Tickets initiative makes use of special donation containers and a fast courier network to offer donation via mail. Anyone in Europe can request a donation pack, indicating which European festival they wish to attend via Spermfortickets.com.
Initial reports suggest the measure is attracting growing attention and also seems set to secure Ireland’s musical heritage.
Dear Ireland,
Please introduce this concept in Canada.
Sincerely,
-The Music Tank
CHAPTER 27
I read this on the 411mania music section; they’re making a movie about Mark David Chapman called “Chapter 27.” Who is Mark David Chapman you ask? The dumb bastard that shot John Lennon! When I die and go to hell, I’m asking him why he didn’t aim for Yoko instead.
PARTING SHOTS
Fake and Half Baked posted a lot of news this week. If only they started/kept writing articles! If you have any hate mail/delicious cookie recipes send them to blackmage@themusictank.com. I’m done early and ready for a sushi dinner!
Remember folks, sometimes truth is stranger than fiction!