The Music Tank

Oh Jebus this is late. For the record, I’ve started writing this at 2:34 PM Eastern Standard Time and I won’t lie, you might not see it until tuesday. Here goes nothing!

BEST. HQ. EVER.

From Music News:

Coldplay have bought an old bakery. The band thinks the ugly building, in London’s Primrose Hill, is the perfect place for their new headquarters away from fans and paparazzi.

Singer Chris Martin explained: “For years I used to walk past this building everyday and think, ‘What an ugly place.’ ‘Then one day a ‘to let’ sign appeared outside. I thought, ‘Hmmm that place is so ugly, I bet no one would bother us if we move in there.’ ‘

They plan to be based there while promoting their new album, Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends, due for release on June 12th.

Coldplay have announced they will play two free shows, in New York and London, to support the album’s release.

That’s a very “Avengers” thing to do. You know, Doctor Strange buys a defunct Starbucks, uses it as their HQ. Except Chris Martin would make a really weird Doctor Strange, and which one of them would be Wolverine?

THERE’S A RELIGION JOKE HERE BUT I’M GONNA SKIP IT

Again from Music-News:

It seems that Pete Doherty may have turned to Islam. Doherty, who is currently locked up in Wormwood Scrubs - an English prison, has apparently been reading the Koran daily.

He first requested to holy book after to being moved to an isolated cell last week.

According to a source, “He’s got a lot of Muslim friends and they’ve been on at him for ages to study it. Now he’s on his own he’s got time on his hands to study it”.

The joke I want to use will kick us off our host. Fin.

THE AMY WINEHOUSE REPORT

I have to put this in quick bullet for, with props for Billboard and Music-News:

• Amy’s husband Blake is looking for $6 million divorce settlement
• Might be recording next James Bond theme
• Might start her own record company
• May have slept with Babyshambles guitarist Mik Whitnall

NICK CANNON ONE OF LUCKIEST MEN ALIVE

From Music-News:

Mariah Carey sparked rumors that she is engaged to rapper Nick Cannon after she was seen wearing a huge diamond ring.Mariah was sporting the impressive rock at the after-party for her new film Tennessee at New York’s Tenjune nightclub on Saturday night, where she held hands with Cannon.

An onlooker said: “Mariah and Nick looked really cosy. They were cuddling and made sure they held hands all night. Mariah looked really proud to there with Nick, and he seemed to be having a great time.”

Cannon has not been publicly forthcoming about the relationship, stating: ‘I can’t even know what to say. She’s probably the most festive, remarkable person I’ve ever met. She is a good friend.

The two reportedly began dating this month.

A bunch of reports have said they’re already married. That bastard.

It’s 2:46 PM Eastern Standard Time and I’m out of here. I don’t mean I’m done writing the article, but I gotta go. I’ll log the time that I’ll start again.

And so help me God, if anyone complains about it’s lateness from this staff…

I’m kidding.

Alright, I’m back. Let’s see, 10:23 PM. First off, I’m lending my talents to a high school production, making me busy. Also, today (05/05) is my birthday. So praise me! Send good tidings to blackmage@themusictank.com!

Let’s see…Half Baked has riddled this article with spelling errors and Montreal Canadiens propaganda…back to the rambles!

THEY DIDN’T SEE HIS SPANISH CASTLE, BUT…

From 411mania:

Believe it or not, Vivid Entertainment has scored a Jimi Hendrix sex tape. The video, shot in 8mm, features Hendrix having sex with two women. From Vivid:

“Jimi Hendrix: The Sex Tape” will premiere today online at www.hendrixsextape.com, with a DVD edition scheduled to hit stores across the country on May 6. Shot in a hotel room circa 1968, the film purports to show Hendrix in “an erotic liaison with two slender brunettes.”

Oopah! Someone won’t be happy about this. Yup, check this bit from Blabbermouth:

Experience Hendrix LLC, the Seattle-based family company which owns and administers the Jimi Hendrix legacy of recordings and songs, has issued the following statement regarding the upcoming release of a “sex film” allegedly starring the late guitar legend:

“We, Experience Hendrix, the family company of Jimi Hendrix are aware of the release of the adult videotape which alleges to contain illicit footage of Jimi Hendrix. We strongly dispute the claimed authenticity and affirmatively state that Experience Hendrix is neither involved in, nor have we authorized the distribution of this film. Further, we deplore this unsubstantiated exploitation of Jimi Hendrix. We view the release as nothing more than a callous attempt to trade on the image and reputation of a deceased artist who is unable to defend himself against such an outrageous and baseless assertion. We are highly offended by the disgraceful portrayal.

“While we do not wish to call undue attention to this desecration, we reserve all rights and remedies under the law to protect the character and legacy of Jimi Hendrix with which we have been charged and legally possess.”

I’m out of jokes and witty comments here. Register to our forums and leave your own! That never works, but hey, maybe someday…

TALES OF A MALLCORE DRUMMER

From Blabbermouth:

LIMP BIZKIT/THE KILLER AND THE STAR drummer John Otto has decided to share expertise with the world by offering private lessons. All beginner lessons are one instructor to 1-2 students per lessons. Students are carefully matched according to age, skill level, and musical goals. Pairings will be evaluated and regrouped monthly to provide the best learning situation. Lessons range in price from $150 (beginner lessons with John Otto, 1-2 students per lesson) to $200 (private lessons one-on-one with John Otto).

If I was rich and money to throw away, I’d pay $200 just to hear Limp Bizkit tour stories. I mean, they had such a cult following, there must be some gems they have lying around.

WHEN PIGS FLY!

From Reuters:

A giant inflatable pig that went missing from a Southern California music festival at the weekend has been found in tatters in a desert town. The pig, which has been a signature Pink Floyd stage prop since its appearance on the 1977 cover of Animals and the song “Pigs on Wings,” broke away from its tethers on Sunday night at Coachella Valley Arts and Music Festival. The festival organizers offered a $10,000 reward for the two-story inflatable pig belonging to ex-Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters.

Two couples said on Wednesday they had found the shredded plastic remains of the pig outside their homes. Steve Stoltz found a big pile of shredded plastic in his La Quinta, California, driveway early on Monday morning when he went to get his newspaper. “We didn’t even know what it was then, but that’s all I hear about now,” his wife Susan Stoltz told Reuters. Her neighbor, Judy Rimmer, found an even bigger pile in her driveway. Since then the neighbors have shared several pork jokes, she said.

Well, the title had the joke. And the joke was really, really easy.

I’d like to point out that in previous issues of STF, I’ve been trying to be grammar conscious. Like not starting a sentence with “And”. But I don’t care about that particular rule anymore so the hell with grammar!

MONEY TALKS

From In Touch Weekly:

Britney’s crazy behavior, which started in February 2007 when she shaved her head, has (cost her) nearly $61 million.

“It’s staggering how much money has been used up,” a family friend says.

In addition to the enormous tab for legal bills, rehab and psychiatric care, Britney’s inability to work has cost her a fortune. “By not touring for her last album [Blackout], she lost out on $50 million,” estimates Robert Bianchi, an LA-based CPA.

Going crazy is not cheap. Be careful Seal. Or whoever wrote that song “Crazy”.

Again with breaking english rules. Don’t start sentences with “Or” kids, you will lose marks.

GIVE MONEY A CHANCE

From AP:

When John Lennon gave Gail Renard the scribbled lyrics to “Give Peace a Chance” in 1969, he told the teen to hold on to the piece of paper.

“It will be worth something someday,” predicted Lennon, who was in the midst of his famous eight-day “bed-in” with his new wife, Yoko Ono, in Montreal.

She did, and it is. Christie’s plans to auction the lyric sheet in July as the centerpiece in its rock and pop memorabilia sale. The words to the enduring peace anthem are expected to fetch more than $400,000.

The lyrics will go on public view July 5th in London and will be auctioned July 10th. They will also be available for viewing by appointment in New York on May 7th-10th.

Renard, now a British-based TV writer and presenter, developed a lifelong friendship with Lennon, who helped launch her journalism career by placing an article she wrote about the bed-in in the Beatles Monthly magazine. She is also selling some rare photographs of herself with Lennon and Ono.

Whoa, 400K for a scrap of paper? I’m just astounded, that’s all. I wonder what the asking price for the rights to that song are.

I’M SUPRISED I HAVEN’T REPORTED MUCH ABOUT THIS GUY ALREADY

Chicago Sun Times reported that a woman involved in R. Kelly’s past claims she had a threesome with Kelly and a 13 year old girl. Furthermore, they report the following:

As part of the case, prosecutors claim to have identified the girl in the videotape. This alleged victim is now in her 20s. Kelly’s lawyers plan to argue — and the alleged victim will reportedly testify — that she is not the girl in the tape.

But the prosecution’s new witness could undermine that defense, since she will identify the girl, sources with knowledge of the matter told the Chicago Sun-Times. In addition, the witness is expected to say the girl was underage at the time of their encounter.

Oh dear. That’s all I’ve got. Oh dear.

A SIGN OF THINGS TO COME

Shawn Drover, Megadeth drummer was recently quoted saying “For those of you who may not know this, the Province of Québec is insane for metal”. One of such Quebecers is Fake, who recently attended the Gigantour tour stop in Montreal. So you might see a show review on the way.

Also, I’ve seen a draft for a new Overground Sewer by Half Baked. It’s about damn time.

Well, it’s now 10:48 PM Eastern Standard Time as I finish this article. All that’s left to say is that it was late, but it was also done on Monday, as promised. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

I’m out!